I have many moments where I just lie in my bed and think. Whenever this happens my thoughts always come to one thing, my parents. I want them to look back at their hopes for me growing up and seriously think. Did I grow up according to plan? Do they think I'm wasting my time doing things I want to do? I try extremely hard to make it in life. Personally, I just want to make them proud. I try not to think about how much pain I am caused being unacknowledged by my own parents. I am not noticed for doing things that are right; however, my brothers and sisters were noticed for doing things that were wrong. In the shadow of my brothers and sisters my parents leave me to walk, especially my mother. It must've been hard for my mom to raise seven kids on her own. It pains me to know how much trouble my older siblings caused upon her while growing up. It was difficult. They made her mad, frustrated, stressed, sad, hurt, and most of all disappointed with their reckless and indecent behavior. However, when it comes to my father it was a bit different. My father wasn't around much growing up. He would come and go and for that my love for my own father figure grew into something else. I eventually grew to despise him. I despised him for the longest time; which made me feel as if there was a darkness inside of me from all of the "hate". Nevertheless, no matter how my parents make me feel there was once a time when they were my heroes. However this was when I was little, before I had realized the reality of how things really were. Because of the actions of my older siblings I was constantly judged growing up. My parents didn't notice the things I would do right but they would await for the times I would do wrong. With the realization of this theory I have always felt like I would never be good enough for my parents, especially my mother. I felt as if no matter how well I am doing it would never satisfy her. The effect that this has upon me is an invearable pain that I hide. Behind walls and a mask I will forever hide. It will hide my true feelings while I act as if I feel nothing. In the dark and grey shadows my family leaves me to walk. While all I maintain is silence until the day that the shadows that I walk in see sunlight. That will be the day that I will get acknowledged for all the things that are right that I have done.
Francine, thanks for sharing something so personal. Reading this post I can tell that you are invested in this idea that you need to make your parents proud, even if you do not have contact. I spent a lot of time where you seem to be, living as if you have something to prove. It seems that you will never receive outward approval from your parents, and you don't need it. It is nice to have that seal of approval but even with supportive parents it is hard to come by. Outside parties tend to have unrealistic or distorted visions of an individual's future, even if they mean well. It's okay to show how you feel, cry when you need to, laugh when you are amused, smile when you are happy! Bottling up emotions is really unhealthy, even with having emotional outlets, expressing yourself is better. Let it out. I know you have high expectations for yourself and your future, you should pursue that without looking around to compare with siblings or who your parents think you should be. The great Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior(OR INADEQUATE) without your consent." Enough cheese, besides when you lay in bed you should be dreaming, not dwelling. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Cari! I really appreciate it. I felt like posting this blog, it had to be personal. I feel That you can't spend seven and a half hours a month ten feet away from somebody without knowing something about them. As for dreaming, I don't do much of that I think I have Insomnia. I told my doctor and she just looked at me like I was crazy. :).
ReplyDeleteHaha true, good point. I am very familiar with insomnia. What has helped me is keeping a notebook by my bed and writing down everything I am stressed out with as I think of it, cutting back on technology an hour before bed also helps. You won't stay awake if you can't scroll through your phone or computer. Doctors... man don't get me started.
ReplyDeleteI acrually can't scroll down my phone because my phone is off. I just use it for my music, contacts, alarm, camera, and calendar. As for my doctors, I think they must've barely passed medical school because everytime I go they never know what is wrong with me, prescribe me narcotics that are way over the milligrams I am supposed to take due to my weight, or they just flat out make me go for absolutely nothing.
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